Close Encounters of third kind
by nicol-leoraine
Summary: Two crack fics written for one challenge. Or how would our favorite team deal with aliens?
1. Close Encounters

**A/N:** _This fic was written for the TVNETWORK1_LAS challenge. The prompt was *crack*. Unfortunately, the LJ journal was accidentaly purged and the challenge is kinda in a hiatus. As there's no info on the date of return, I've decided to skip out and simply post my story._

**A/N2:** _This challenge was a little hard on me as I don't usually write crack or humor fics. For that reason, I tried my hand first on another story. As it's similar to this one, you'll find it here under chapter 2._

**A/N3:** _Both fics were beta-read by the wonderful Tania. Ok, I'm finished, go ahead and read_

**CLOSE ENCOUNTERS**

The little grey man stood in the middle of the control room and eyed the dark wall before him.

"Report!" A deep voice commanded from the darkness, and the small alien winced.

"There were complications, Master."

"What happened?" Asked the disembodied voice gravely.

"As per orders, we extracted four specimen from the field where we left the last message. Three male and one female. We hoped to observe their mating rituals, and what makes a female chose her breeding partner. We put all four of them together in a room. But upon waking up, instead of being interested in the female all specimen tried to escape. While it was interesting to watch them co-operate, we couldn't allow them success. So Ak'Tak released a gas filled with strong pheromone into the air system. The pheromone was supposed to make all of them more inclined to mating."

"Did it work?"

"Well..." The alien looked to the side, shuffling his tiny feet. ''Once the gas hit, the dark haired male - the talker - started emitting strange keening sounds. The leader and the female reacted instantly. They pushed him to the ground and started touching him, pulling at his clothes. The youngest male – the smart one - wanted to join the group, but the leader growled at him territorially. The smart one turned away and resumed his attempts to find a way out. Ak'Tak thought he was trying to find another perspective mate outside the room."

"What about the female? Did she chose herself a mating partner?"

"At first, the female showed much interest in the talker. They seemed to exchange bodily fluids in the form of kissing, but once the gas evaporated and the male stopped producing the strange sounds, she left him for the leader. After that she... gave a feral cry and pushed the smart one out of her way, heading straight for where the door was hidden." The pale alien seemed to lose what color he had, turning white.

"Rashak!" The voice prompted, growing restless.

"We tried not interfering, hoping that the situation would resolve itself."

"And?"

"It did, kind of." The alien looked away."After several attempts the door panel became uncovered. The smart male became interested in it and after some tweaking broke into our system and opened the door."

"You let them go?" the voice roared.

"We didn't have much choice," the alien tried to explain. "The guards approached them with stunners, but the female disabled them with brute force. The leader was trying to safeguard his mate and he attacked anyone that dared to approach. He was also trying to secure his post and hit the smart male in the head when he got too close."

"But you caught them, right? It's not like they could escape from a space ship, one that is actually IN SPACE!" The voice roared and the alien squirmed.

"Uhm, we let them go."

"What?"

"You see, Master, the female was heading to the ship's control room and there's no telling what damage she could have caused there, so I gave the order and Ak'Tak sent them back to earth."

"I see. So you wiped their memories and teleported them to their last coordinate. Correct?"

"Uhm..."

"You DID wipe their memories before returning them?"

"It just... wasn't possible, Master."

"RASHAK!" The spaceship shook with the roar and the small alien winced. Of course his first ever mission was a catastrophe, it was inevitable. At least it would take them several years to return home. Plenty of time for their Master to calm down.

* * *

><p>"What the hell was that?" Tony coughed, eyes wide with disbelief. They were back on Earth, on the same field they were taken from. If they were taken. Tony still hoped it was just a hallucination.<p>

"Aliens, we were abducted by real aliens!" McGee squeaked excitedly, unable to believe what he'd seen.

Ziva kept muttering something in a language that Gibbs didn't recognize, looking up at the sky with a killing glare. Gibbs finally let go of Tony's arm, although he made sure his agent was sitting down.

"How's your breathing DiNozzo?"

"Much better now that we're not breathing in that damn gas," Tony said, his voice still creaky but much stronger. For a moment he thought he would die there, when he was unable to catch his breath. Under different circumstances he would've enjoyed Ziva giving him mouth to mouth, but having Gibbs leaning over them wasn't part of the fantasy.

"Uhm, Ziva, thanks for... you know."

"Don't mention it," Ziva said and when Tony wanted to protest, she growled. "I mean it Tony. Don't mention it. Ever."

Tony nodded. McGee was still mumbling about aliens so Gibbs came up to him and gave him a proper headslap.

"And what the hell's wrong with you McGee? When I tell you to watch our six, you watch our six and don't pause to gawk at the aliens!"

"The little grey man... and the spaceship..." McGee blabbed but paused as another head-slap brought him back. "Sorry boss. It... Won't happen again."

"Luckily we found the door and got out," Tony popped in with a slight smile. Ziva snorted.

"You were lucky they were trying to make us mate, instead of trying to dissect us," she said and all three men looked at her with suspicion.

"What?" she asked. "Last time I was gassed by those creatures, I ended up killing my cell mate and drinking his blood thinking it was wine. Stupid buggers. They never learn." Spitting in disgust, Ziva shook her head in resignation. She pulled out a pen from her pocket and put on a pair of Ray bans. Tony's eyes went wide as he put two and two together and he started to protest, but it was too late.

"Say cheese," Ziva said and the pen flashed, leaving the three men in stunned silence. Using the momentary calm, Ziva activated her necklace and opened connection.

"This is agent Z. We have a problem. The Greys are back."

Second story coming next


	2. NCIS vs Aliens

**A/N:**_ This is the second fic [which was written as a first one lol]. Just a little different take on the aliens. Enjoy and please let me know how you liked the stories, or which one was your favorite._

**NCIS vs. Aliens**

'Ak'Tok, you're here to give us an account of the last group of specimens you brought on board. Let's hear it," said the low voice from the darkness. The small grey alien winced imperceptibly, both hands hidden behind his back. He held his head up high, trying to look competent, but the dark bruises marring his skin made it impossible.

"Ak'Tok? I'm waiting!" The voice grumbled and the whole ship seemed to shake. The small alien nodded, and started his report on what would surely be his last mission to earth.

"We recovered four specimens from one of the big buildings. They were the only ones still at work at that time of night. We chose the location due to Rashak's hope of get specimens who where often exposed to prolonged bouts violence, yet ones that weren't actively in combat training. He wanted to study the psychological effect of their exposure to us - to our technology." Ak'Tok shivered, something close to a grimace appearing on his face.

"What happened Ak'Tok?"

"We might've slightly misjudged their level of training," Ak'Tok admitted, ashamed, at which one of Ak'Tok's men snorted. The voice emitted a wave of reprimand towards both of them and Ak'Tok straightened.

"EXPLAIN!" Came the command.

"Everything went as planned with the extraction. The subjects were all subdued by our gas. The teleporter put them all into separated rooms that were under surveillance. Once the gas left their system, the subjects woke up. At first, their reactions appeared normal. They were confused and scared. Their heartbeats and perspiration increased, they called out for each other. Then they started looking around the rooms, looking for an explanation, a way to escape."

Ak'Tok paused, squirming, one of his hands unconsciously rubbing at a bruise on his side.

"What went wrong?"

"Some of them realized they couldn't escape, that there was nothing they could do and they appeared to calm down. The dark haired male started humming and singing. It was such a horrible sound, that Rashak entered his cell in order to... silence him."

"How did he react to Rashak's appearance?" The voice asked, curious.

"He... went still. There was a strange look on his face, and then he jumped up and started closing in on Rashak, speaking about many things all at once. Rashak couldn't understand him. There was talk about men in black, about some American governor killing predators, about ships and much more. Rashak was so confused that he didn't notice the male was getting too close until he attacked and kicked him to the ground, taking the controller to the door and letting himself out. Luckily there was a guard right behind that tasered the male."

"Luckily," the voice said with warning and Ak'Tok nodded, uneasily.

"What about the others?"

"The other young male seemed to take longer to sleep off the effects of the gas. There was a guard posted at his door, but Rashak was occupied with the first male and An'ha was... Working on the leader. I was with the female. No one was watching him." Ak'Tok seemed to go pale, which meant he looked more white than grey now. He obviously didn't want to continue, but he had no choice.

"The male used our inattention and managed to break through our system. He slipped open the door and after a short fight knocked out the guard."

"Interesting. What were you doing at the time?"

"I was trying to survive, Master." Ak'Tok said in a hushed voice. There was a momentary silence, then a grumbling command.

"EXPLAIN!"

"Th-the female... was trying to escape and she was starting to damage the room. I entered in hope of dissuading her of it and take on the next step in the experiment. Ummm... We must've made a false assumption of the subjects level of training in combat arts."

"Explain," the voice said this time sounding tired.

"She let me enter the room, seemingly calm. I hesitated to use the taser on her. There was a moment of stillness, and then... Everything went blurry, Sir. When I woke up, she was sitting on top of me and was pushing the taser against my eye. She wanted to know where she was, and where the others were. She wanted to know what we wanted and who we were and sh-she wasn't afraid to use violence. I-I told her where to find the others and h-how they could leave. I'm sorry Master, but... she was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life!"

"That's because you didn't see the leader," came the muttered words from behind Ak'Tok and Rashak stepped up. He didn't seem to be injured as much as Ak'Tok, though he too, had a mark on his neck.

The voice seemed to sigh in resignation.

"Tell me about the leader, Rashak."

The grey alien nodded, his huge eyes filled with fear.

"I've never met something so scary, my Master. At first, the leader appeared to be docile, harmless. I accounted it to his age, of which spoke his grey hair. I was mistaken. He too tried to escape, but soon stopped his attempts and just sat back, waiting. I must admit to being falsely lulled into a sense of security. I made a mistake. I entered the room. He gave me a look and asked about his people. I told him they were unharmed. He nodded and went silent, only observing. I felt slightly unnerved by the silence and his eyes and asked if he didn't want to know more. He just shrugged. After a while he started to get nervous."

"How did you know?"

"Because he stood up and started walking around, and his eyes went darker."

"What was the cause?"

Rashak looked around, suddenly embarrassed.

"I asked if he wanted something to consume, if he wasn't ill. He just... Growled at me. After a while he told me he wanted coffee. That's a dark liquid brewed from beans, a rather unappetizing brew. As it contains alkaloids that are poisonous to us, there are no samples on the ship, nor was there any way to procure it. I told him there would be no coffee. He asked how long we would keep them here. When I answered-" Here Rashak paused, his tiny arm going up to his neck and the bruise. Ak'tok put a friendly hand on his back.

"He went crazy. He was shouting about Geneva conventions and how it was inhuman of us to keep him without his coffee. He grabbed my neck and..." Rashak couldn't say no more, he erupted in what equaled human sobbing. Ak'Tok sent out calming vibes but he was hard to console, so one of the guards escorted him out of the control room.

"Where are the specimens now?" The voice asked after a moment.

"After they escaped the rooms, they found each other quickly and were heading towards the shuttle bay. The young male breached the security system, while the female... Knocked out all the guards they encountered. After I regained consciousness from the attack, I released the gas rendering them unconscious. They're currently in the holding cells, sleeping. What do you want to do with them, Master?"

There was a long silence, interrupted by hushed sounds of muttering and cursing, until a grumpy voice answered.

"Return them to where you found them, and wipe their memories. You're a scientific vessel and aren't equipped to handle such specimen, yet I don't want them to remember any moment from their visit. Also, erase all and every evidence about them on the ship. I don't want to be the laughing stock of the academy once your records would be seen. Understood?"

"Crystal clear, Master," Ak'Tok said and there was relief in his voice. He could get rid of the humans and hopefully, there won't be any repercussions for him. Sans the bruises on his body and on his soul.

xxxxx

Several hours later, Tony jerked awake from a strange dream. There was drool running down his face, dripping onto unfinished paperwork. Grimacing, he straightened up, only to see a rather disgruntled Gibbs getting out of the elevator.

"DiNozzo, stop sleeping at work, and fetch me some coffee. And go to the shop over the street, the coffee machine here seems to be broken. The one I got from it went stone cold in a moment."

"On it boss," Tony jumped up and barely stepped out of Ziva's way. She was heading to her desk, looking confused.

"What's up Zeevah? Went to the ladies room and found out you have boy parts?" Tony asked with a grin, but Ziva didn't hit him in reply, she just stared at her hands.

"Wow. Who did you beat up?" Tony asked, all fun gone from his voice once he noticed her bruised knuckles. Ziva looked up, and then shrugged.

"Some little grey men," she said almost dreamily and went to her desk. Tony watched her, and then with a shrug of his own headed to the staircase. He felt sleepy still and thought that moving would wake him up a little. He was halfway down the staircase when he spotted McGee, his eyes wide and full of disbelief.

"Hey Probie, what's the matter? You fall asleep on your way to Abby or what?"

McGee just shook his head and muttered something about aliens and spaceships. Tony frowned, passing by the younger agent.

"What the hell were you and Ziva smoking?" He didn't wait for an answer. He had already lost precious time chatting with Ziva and he needed to bring back coffee asap. He had a feeling that depriving Gibbs of it any longer than necessary would be a fatal mistake... One that only amateurs do. And let's say it, after so many years by his side, Tony was anything but an amateur.

**The End**


End file.
